🌱 I’ll Be Ok!

Are you warm? Are you real?

Last night I had a dream, it was admittedly a strange one. I was on a date with one of my friends. A friend that used to have a crush on me actually. It was, odd. For the obvious reasons but also because they just didn’t particularly act like themselves. It honestly felt like they were echoing someone else’s behaviors. Well, anyways, the most shocking part about the dream is that there was this moment, in which the other person talked over me. I almost had like a strike system in the dream, once was an accident, twice was a coincidence but three times? Usually, I’ll be honest, I’d let it slide.

But that time, in the dream I didn’t.

I stood up and I walked away. I said things weren’t going to work out. And I felt…okay with that!

I think that’s a good summary of how the last month or so has been for me, honestly.

...Ok but what IS this though?

So! To put a long story short, this is a somewhat reflective blog post about some events in my life. It’ll be more personal than usual but obviously I won’t be sharing everything for privacy reasons. If you know you know, but if you don’t you get to have the little bread crumbs oooooh. If you do know the full details or whatever just be respectful and don’t be weird. Everyone deserves a space to talk about their things, including me! So don’t intrude on mine or others with malicious intent, thank yew…

But yeah, to cut straight to the point, the main 2 catalysts of all of this is 1. graduating and 2. I broke up with my now ex 💀 the night before training practice debuted, nontheless. If you know literally anything about me its that the meme below me is literally just my life 24/7. Like yeah thats about right



In all honesty, past iterations of me would probably be completely inconsolable right now. And I was for a bit! The first day or so after I was definitely a wreck, and I’ve had my moments in the last 2 or so weeks in which I have felt that low, but I’ve overall been recovering faster than I’d thought. Truthfully, part of it likely was because things were degrading and this was unfortunately coming for a long time in hindsight, but I also think a major part as to why I’ve been able to heal at all in the way I have is because of the way I’ve grown over the last year or so. And I want to acknowledge the ways I have and hey, maybe you can try to do it for yourself too! A dear friend of mine did that for me, and I hope I can do that for others too in some ways.

But anyways, a specific song that’s been on my mind lately that’s kinda been my mantra these last 2 weeks has been Language by Porter Robinson. I’ve adored this song for ages, I even based “Temple in the Sky” off it initially! However, it’s lyrics have been hitting me hard as of late, I’ll just paste em below real quick so you can check em out too! Or maybe listen to the song as well, it’s really good.

“Give me release

Let the waves of time and space surround me, yeah

'Cause I need room to breathe

Let me float back to the place you found me

I'll be okay”

Taking care

SO! Let me address the actually good stuff that has happened! Because a lot of good has happened and it’s always worth bringing it up!

- Stood my own ground and respected my feelings on the various matters that led to a lot of this happening. I’ve made a lot of progress in letting myself take up space and I’m glad I did what I did in the end. It was good! Even if I got played a little, I still took it like a champ.

- Went to a theme park for skip day with some dear friends, it was INCREDIBLY fun, got to go on a lot of scary ass rollercoasters and somehow survived…

- Graduated from my creative program! Genuinely one of my biggest achievements thus far, can’t wait to see what tops it!

- Decorated my grad cap! For obvious reasons I am blurring out any potentially revealing info but its bewilthred themed because its Me. LOL. My friend hannah helped me with it and I’m so proud of how it turned out!



- I’ve been getting really into shorts/tiktok making lately! It’s been so much fun getting to make smaller lower stress stuff. Honestly it sounds mean but I feel like the break up + graduating has brought me back the emotional energy to pour into Bewilthred again. Training Practice has also shown me I am capable of so many awesome things. There’s a CJ the X quote I adore, it’s from their 7 deadly art sins video and I’ve stood by it since I’ve heard it. It’s just such an excellent quote truthfully, and I hope I continue to live by it for a long time:

“Releasing art is a radical defiant act of self love and bravery….It’s a process that actively literally teaches you your value and competence by proving that it’s true.”

- Reigniting my love for writing fictional relationships in general LOL. I think a big thing I’ve realized is I tend to pour a lot of myself into relationships, something I def need to manage more in the future. However, I’ve been channelling that positively lately into pouring it into my art instead! It’s for sure been helping a hell of a lot more rather than sulking. It’s a step closer to loving myself more and I’m proud of me for that.

- TRAINING PRACTICE!!! JUST IN GENERAL!!! The support I got from it both irl and online has been absolutely wonderful. I am still in awe it’s even happened. I’m so proud of myself and I know younger me is squealing in excitement because they’d always wanted this to happen, and I’m glad I finally got to make it come true for them. I hope I continue to do that for many years to come!

- Technically this was a while ago but still, I got into an EXCELLENT school with a huge scholarship. WHAT!!! I’m still processing this is even the case. I was terrified I’d somehow get rejected from every school ever but NO!!! I’m so freaking happy brah…

- I have some of the coolest friends ever, both online and irl! also technically not recent recent but I’ve been realizing it and acknowledging it more lately. I’m happy I have the people I do.

- Honestly I’ve been realizing how awesome I am in general. It’s taken me a long time but I genuinely think I deserve at least basic human decency on the daily now LOL. That sounds insane to say but believe me, if you’ve been through it you Know how hard it can be to finally feel comfortable in your own skin.

I’m honestly just…proud! I’ve been proud in general. Of myself, and of the people around me. I’m excited to see what the future holds, and I’m forever thankful I even get to have a tomorrow. I have next to no clue what’ll happen, but I’ll always be thankful for the time I have regardless!

To end this off, I will say that in times like these, I repeat the following:

I fight like hell, to be who I am. In spite of everything. In spite of what people may try to change about me. I stay true to myself. I stand up for what I believe in. I am creative, I am good, I am kind. I do not desire perfection, but I do strive for excellence. Anything that isn’t adding to my life, adding to my happiness, is not worth my time. I will no longer invest in “fixer-uppers” or seek approval for those who do not wish to give it to me. I need to stop chasing after people who don’t want to be found. I need to stand strong on who I am. I can’t keep making myself smaller. If my ex was right about anything, it was that. I won’t let myself be smaller anymore.

Yeah, I’ll be okay, it’ll be hell for a while. But I’ll be OK...

And you know what? I think we’ll all be OK too.